The old Ivee is (almost) as dead as Rustom Padilla.

Not switching genders though.

I am the worst EVERYTHING in the whole world.

Last night after talking to Paul on the phone I went straight to bed. It was a bit early (10:45). A few hours later I woke up and saw my sister in her uniform. I panicked and checked my watch. It says 12:50.

Still disoriented, I gave her a puzzled look and she just smiled and said "maaga pa," which made it even more confusing. I was about to get up, take a bath and get ready for work when I realized that my sister was still out celebrating a friend's birthday when I went to bed that night and finally figured out that she just got home and that was why she was in uniform.

Sometimes we become disoriented with what's happening in our lives. We see things in a different light and fail to understand what is really going on. Either we remain confused or refuse to comprehend the truth because we are too afraid to get hurt.

But after everything has been made clear, you will realize that not knowing what is wrong and refusing to address the problem will only make matters worse. Choosing to stay disoriented doesn't protect you completely from the painful truth, it only prepares you for the hardest blow.

Click, click, click!

I never imagined myself in this situation. Not in my wildest dreams. For me it has always been an impossibility. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. And so here I am fighting. Fighting for what is mine. Fighting for what I have been living for.

I didn't think it was possible but there's actually this site where you can read novels, short stories and poems online. I chanced upon Read Book Online while searching for anything on F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which is now a major motion picture starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett.

I actually thought of reading Jane Austen novels from this site but realized that it's not a very good idea as it would be too stressful for my eyes and my mom's Meralco bill. Anyhow, I guess you can read short stories (like The Curious Case...) and poems. And there are essays too!

So when you are done reading the first few chapters of Midnight Sun (which I am not) maybe you can drop by this site and try to read something other than a vampire fiction. Peace!

Things are still confusing, but I've stopped crying, which is a good sign, right?

My already pathetic life just got worse.

Actually, I have absolutely no idea where I'm standing. All I know is that my 2009 didn't start right. In fact it had a really bad beginning. But I am still hopeful that I'll be able to fix whatever needs fixing. I've always been full of hope no matter how grave the situation is. And I have been down this road so many time throughout my entire adult life, I should be able to resolve all these issues again. I hope.